Something amazing happened. The sort of thing you read about in books.
When I was 11 in intermediate school, I had my first real crush. He was the quintessential "cool" kid. These were the early 90s, so he had an undercut hair style that would flop down into his eyes, in that punk grunge way that just so moody and irresistible. He was a year ahead of me, so Intermediate being what it was meant that I could get in a whole year of mooning around and making my friends sick of me before he disappeared into the ether of High School.
When I was 11 in intermediate school, I had my first real crush. He was the quintessential "cool" kid. These were the early 90s, so he had an undercut hair style that would flop down into his eyes, in that punk grunge way that just so moody and irresistible. He was a year ahead of me, so Intermediate being what it was meant that I could get in a whole year of mooning around and making my friends sick of me before he disappeared into the ether of High School.
So naturally I harassed the heck out of him. I mean, he was so completely out of my league, I couldn't possibly let him know that I had a crush on him. He was just as bad; we gave each other so much grief in class and the playground. But all good things come to an end and off he went to High School.
But you never really forget your first crush and a few years back I started stalking him looked him up on facebook. We said a few words, reminisced a little, liked each other's posts occasionally. No big deal. We each had our own lives, partners, children etc. It's nice to see somebody you once knew turn out happy.
But then one day, a few months back now, we connected. I don't need to go into detail here. Suffice to say, things were going really well. We were planning on visiting each other, thing were moving along. Turns out that back at intermediate... he had a crush on me, too. It was something nice and I was swept away my the seeming serendipity of it all. I knew a million things could go wrong, but I was also imaging what a fantastic story it would be to tell the grandchildren.
In past romantic relationships, I have been abused, cheated on, lied to, emotionally blackmailed... you name it. The scars run deep. But for a little while, this gave me hope. And we all know that's the worst thing you should ever have.
Just when things reach their peak... silence. A full weekend of no contact, just out of the blue. I thought I had said something terribly wrong. Naturally, my first instinct was to blame myself. But finally I get the message.
He's sorry for putting me through hell, he knows I must have been wondering what had happened. Turns out his ex partner is pregnant from one month before he connected with me. He's going to do the honorable thing.
Of all the truly crappy things that have happened to me over time, this one thing for some reason really feels like huge cosmic slap across the face. Don't get me wrong, the fact that he is going back to his partner to support her through this and raise a baby like a man should, is a wonderful thing. It shows that there are decent men out there, and I am proud of him for choosing to do this. I truly wish them a joy filled and happy life. I harbor no ill will to either him or mother of his child.
My pain over this is 100% selfish.
My pain over this is 100% selfish.
I feel like a karmic joke. Like a celestial carrot was hanging in front of me. Look, Athena. Your stars have aligned. You too, can find happiness. Here is a gift plucked from your past. Reach out and it's all yours. All you've been through, you are finally going to be rewarded.
It didn't end because of a fight, or betrayal... any of those usual things. It ended because of something that happened before we even started talking, and it confuses the hell out of me. It makes me feel like this is the universe, or god, or karma... what ever you believe in; officially letting me know that there just isn't that kind of joy out there for me. That this is as close as it gets.
Why else would something that initially seem so fated, just be stripped away like that? He has broken off all contact with me. Blocked all possibility of interaction so that he can be fair and do the right thing. It wouldn't be right to be creating a family with one person while continuing to feel strongly for somebody else. And I'm glad for that. I'm glad that there are people out there willing to do the right thing even if it means making a personal sacrifice.
It didn't end because of a fight, or betrayal... any of those usual things. It ended because of something that happened before we even started talking, and it confuses the hell out of me. It makes me feel like this is the universe, or god, or karma... what ever you believe in; officially letting me know that there just isn't that kind of joy out there for me. That this is as close as it gets.
Why else would something that initially seem so fated, just be stripped away like that? He has broken off all contact with me. Blocked all possibility of interaction so that he can be fair and do the right thing. It wouldn't be right to be creating a family with one person while continuing to feel strongly for somebody else. And I'm glad for that. I'm glad that there are people out there willing to do the right thing even if it means making a personal sacrifice.
I guess... I just wish there were someone, anyone, that might one day be willing to sacrifice like that for me.
