The Burden of Anxiety

The first time I had a panic attack, I didn't know why I couldn't breathe. I was gasping to fill my lungs but no matter how much air I took in, it just didn't feel like it was enough. I had just been yelled at by my now ex husband and had gone to have a shower to calm down. I collapsed to the floor trying to call out to him for help but not being able to catch my breath enough to force the words out. I thought I was dying. And I thought I deserved it, too.

From here, anxiety and it's BFF depression has been a near on constant companion. The upside is that I understand it far better almost 15 years on. The downside it that it still occasionally cripples me in the most excruciating of ways.

The worst for me is Social Anxiety, and that filters into personal relationships. This aspect started manifesting at a young age. I was harassed at school, sometimes violently, For a very long time, whenever I heard group laughter I would tense up, bracing for an onslaught.

As you get older, bullying suddenly isn't okay anymore. If you pull someone out of a building by their plaits you don't get detention, you get charged with assault. But even though the times change, the scars never really fade, and different forms of emotional abuse take its place.

It means I'm a hard person to get along with. Being told over and over again that I am not good enough has left me feeling completely replaceable in people's lives. Emotional abuse isolates you, and makes you feel ashamed and worthless.

I'm always bracing myself for the worst and that isn't something I can just "get over". It's only a matter of time before someone gets sick of me or something better comes along to replace me. I'm like a cell phone. You can upgrade me when the next version comes out.

These Walls of Mine

Sometimes I'm afraid that I can't open up emotionally at all. Even when I was going through counselling during one of the darkest periods of my life, my therapist would often wonder aloud how it was that I could talk through such emotionally distressing things while remaining stoical and even with humor at times.

Let's be clear here though - I'm not a sociopath. I feel every cut and bruise incredibly deeply. But it all gets lost in translation when it comes to being honest and vulnerable with another person. I can be one but not both. I can talk about something from the deepest core of myself, but I will always make light of it and do anything I can to not show how hard it has hit. Or I will be raw and vulnerable, but it will be about something far more superficial than what's really going on under the surface.

I can't let anybody in.

I've been conditioned through out my life that as soon as I let somebody in, it will hurt. Best case scenario I am ignored and cast out. Further along the scale my words are twisted and used against me. Worst case, I am out right abused.

I've learnt along the way that emotion is dangerous. It's impossible, at least for me, to be able to predict when feelings of love, stability and comfort will be shattered by someone and replaced with fear, abandonment and worthlessness. The solution my psyche came up with is to distance myself from my emotions completely - at least on the outside.

I've often had people mention that I am cold, stoic, dispassionate, aloof... but this couldn't be further from the truth. People can't see how much I would love to let them in. But I can't do it. It's a conflict at the very deepest level.

I've built walls around myself and I brace them against any and all attacks, real and perceived. I protect myself. I can't tear these walls down on my own.

The Exhaustion of Anxiety

People with clinical depression and/or anxiety get tired. Really tired. This is something that I have fought off and on through out my life, especially in the days before I started to understand why this was happening.

If you know someone who is going through this, think about what you say before you say it.

Saying "But you got so much sleep last night!" to your partner/child/friend is not an answer.

Saying "You'll feel better if you just get up and get active," is not an answer.

It's like telling an asthmatic they should be able to catch their breath, because you're breathing just fine.

If you don't know the all encompassing exhaustion that accompanies anxiety or depression, don't try to fix it. Just be there for that person, unconditionally. Don't try to understand the problem, just care for them when they need you. And if you're the one going through this, don't think you need to "snap out of it" to please the people around you, because inevitably it will just make things worse. Get the help you need and get some rest.

You're not tired for no reason. You are tired because you have depression/anxiety.

You are fighting the thoughts of worthlessness caused by an emotional disorder and that is exhausting.

You're suffering from adrenaline crashes after fighting off bouts of anxiety and panic; and that is exhausting.

You are on edge, expecting the worst and constantly bracing yourself; and that is so damn exhausting.

Give yourself a break. Don't expect a miracle cure and don't let people make you think you are somehow less just because they can't understand you.

I've been in that dark place before and I've been so exhausted that I didn't think I would be able to go on.

But relief comes eventually. One night of sleep won't make things better, but ongoing self care, nourishment and tenderness will start to make a difference. Healing an growth are always possible, one step at a time.