The first time I had a panic attack, I didn't know why I couldn't breathe. I was gasping to fill my lungs but no matter how much air I took in, it just didn't feel like it was enough. I had just been yelled at by my now ex husband and had gone to have a shower to calm down. I collapsed to the floor trying to call out to him for help but not being able to catch my breath enough to force the words out. I thought I was dying. And I thought I deserved it, too.
From here, anxiety and it's BFF depression has been a near on constant companion. The upside is that I understand it far better almost 15 years on. The downside it that it still occasionally cripples me in the most excruciating of ways.
The worst for me is Social Anxiety, and that filters into personal relationships. This aspect started manifesting at a young age. I was harassed at school, sometimes violently, For a very long time, whenever I heard group laughter I would tense up, bracing for an onslaught.
As you get older, bullying suddenly isn't okay anymore. If you pull someone out of a building by their plaits you don't get detention, you get charged with assault. But even though the times change, the scars never really fade, and different forms of emotional abuse take its place.
It means I'm a hard person to get along with. Being told over and over again that I am not good enough has left me feeling completely replaceable in people's lives. Emotional abuse isolates you, and makes you feel ashamed and worthless.
I'm always bracing myself for the worst and that isn't something I can just "get over". It's only a matter of time before someone gets sick of me or something better comes along to replace me. I'm like a cell phone. You can upgrade me when the next version comes out.
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