Sometimes I'm afraid that I can't open up emotionally at all. Even when I was going through counselling during one of the darkest periods of my life, my therapist would often wonder aloud how it was that I could talk through such emotionally distressing things while remaining stoical and even with humor at times.
Let's be clear here though - I'm not a sociopath. I feel every cut and bruise incredibly deeply. But it all gets lost in translation when it comes to being honest and vulnerable with another person. I can be one but not both. I can talk about something from the deepest core of myself, but I will always make light of it and do anything I can to not show how hard it has hit. Or I will be raw and vulnerable, but it will be about something far more superficial than what's really going on under the surface.
I can't let anybody in.
I've been conditioned through out my life that as soon as I let somebody in, it will hurt. Best case scenario I am ignored and cast out. Further along the scale my words are twisted and used against me. Worst case, I am out right abused.
I've learnt along the way that emotion is dangerous. It's impossible, at least for me, to be able to predict when feelings of love, stability and comfort will be shattered by someone and replaced with fear, abandonment and worthlessness. The solution my psyche came up with is to distance myself from my emotions completely - at least on the outside.
I've often had people mention that I am cold, stoic, dispassionate, aloof... but this couldn't be further from the truth. People can't see how much I would love to let them in. But I can't do it. It's a conflict at the very deepest level.
I've built walls around myself and I brace them against any and all attacks, real and perceived. I protect myself. I can't tear these walls down on my own.
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