The Problem with Corruption in Church Leadership

A few weeks ago, I remember sitting in Sunday School class and I was struck by the particular timing of the lesson that had been scheduled. We've all heard the story, right? Sister Marsh and Sister Harris want to make some cheese. They agree to put their stores of milk and cream together to make one BIG cheese (and who wouldn't want bigger cheese, ammi right?), but Sister Marsh keeps a pint of cream from each cow and just sends the milk. Naturally, Sister Harris feels swindled. They argue so bad about this, that they end up going to the Bishop who determines that Sister March didn't keep her side of the bargain.

Sister Marsh doesn't like this much. Neither does her husband. So they go to the High Council. Same Deal. It went all the way to First Presidency. No go. They not only left the Church, he got the law involved and told Missouri government officials that the LDS church was hostile against the state of Missouri. An action that was a stepping stone on a path that eventually led to the extermination order from the state of Missouri against all Mormons.

19 years later, Thomas B Marsh realised he had been wrong.

This story is often used to illustrate how seemingly insignificant things can lead to people falling away from the Church with grave consequences. But this story has more far reaching implications than just this.

Ultimately the issue here lies, that if there was such a problem with corruption in church leadership that a Bishop, a Stake President, and even Regional leadership were somehow corrupt, then the Church simply could not be true.

If you believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church that holds the keys to the Priesthood, then you cannot without some feat of incredible mental gymnastics also believe that our leaders are corrupt. If this Church is true, then those men are called of God.

These men do not become Bishops through a popularity contest. Their names are taken to the First Presidency, who pray about it first. There are fail safes in the Church to make sure that our leadership will not be the sort of men who will lead us down dark paths.

Our leaders are human. There are times that they may make mistakes. There are times that they will feel bent almost in half with the pressure of the responsibility they have. And I am certain that there are times that their hearts break when no matter how much they try, they simply cannot help someone.

I would hate to bear that burden. Some of the choices they have to make seem almost Herculean to me.

It is with all of of this in mind, that I can wholeheartedly testify that our leaders are called of God. That this is Christ's church, organised from the ground up precisely how he would have wanted it. To imply that our leaders are corrupt, to me is to imply that the First Presidency simply don't have that link with God that they claim to. One man might make a mistake. But for a Bishop, then a Stake President, then Regional Leadership to ALL be in league against one person? Infeasible. My faith tells me that the Lord simply would not let that happen if this was his true Church.

When we sustain our leaders, we aren't just waving our hands in the air for the sake of it. We are saying we will support them even when it's hard to; in fact especially when it's difficult because that's when they need sustaining the most. This isn't about personal grievances anymore. It's about Church doctrine, organisation and the dispensation of extremely important Priesthood Keys to the right people at the right time.

I believe the Church is true. And I believe in my leaders. Not one of them would ever willingly lead a soul astray or cast them out. They genuinely love us as Church members and as individuals. As humans, they might not get everything right 100% of the time. But I have absolute faith that they try their best; I sustain them, I support them, and I pray for them in all that they do.

If we just allow them to administer their duties instead of fracturing their souls with gossip, pride and anger; then they have the capacity to bring us as members peace, joy, fellowshipping and security. We may not understand all the choices they need to make. But then, it is called faith for a reason.

The Sound of High Functioning Social Anxiety

AKA: Being doomed to listen to this mixtape daily even though I know it doesn't actually make any rational sense.

You’re not good enough.
You’re a bad friend.
You’re a waste of time.
Your friends do not love you.
You’re too needy.
You're way too intense.
People are sick of you being around.
What are you doing with yourself?
Why did you say that?
They probably hate you but are too polite to say.
Why can’t you have your shit together?
You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up.
You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it.
You’re letting everybody down.
No one here likes you.
Nobody wants you around.

All the while, it appears perfectly calm.

Social anxiety means you're always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy.

Writing.
List-making.
Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy).
Doing squats in the kitchen.
Studying until your eyes water and your mind feels like it will explode with something, anything other than the noise.
Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head.

The Particular Ache of Loneliness

It is very, very easy to get defensive about your kids. People can say what they want about me, and sure I'll defend myself or have a bit of a mope depending on the situation... but I get over it. But ask any mother, if someone says something about your kids or the way they are being raised, Mama Lion comes out. We protect our children with all that we have.

Unfortunately, it is a sad reality that much of Church culture does not make it easier. And society's expectations of sing;e, "independent" women only exacerbates the situation.

Let me explain.

After the Christchurch Earthquake, our beloved Marmite went out of production for a long time. Finally, when Benji was about a year old, it came back! I bought a great big jar and made Benji his very first Marmite sandwich. He took one bite of it, held it up in his fist, stood up and took his first steps. Best. Moment. Ever.

I couldn't tell his Dad what happened when he got home from work. I couldn't take a pic and message it to him. There was no one to share this with, other than making a post about it in the void of Facebook.

You learn to harden yourself against this. You learn to be selfish with the good things and keep them in your heart because who else is there to share it with?

But that doesn't mean that some nights when everything is quiet, I am not wracked with almost crippling loneliness.

Society teaches you this is weak. I should be a strong, independent woman who don't need no man. To admit this is to admit failure.

The Church teaches you this is weak. If I were truly faithful, I could rest assured that everything will be sorted in the next life. I'll find my eternal companion there. To admit this is to say I lack faith.

People mean well when they say "you don't need a man, you're so strong!" or "You'll find your companion in the next life!" But what they don't understand in their married or pre-married bliss is that they are condemning me to a good sixty years (hopefully) of life of not having that particular intimacy (not just sex) in my life that comes with having a husband/partner. No being held under a duvet when it's chilly, no sharing secrets, no lingering eye contact, no arguing over what to get for dinner, no kissing, no hand holding, no long hugs, and sure no sex. Because sex is damn fun, too.

And no telling someone that your boy took his first steps today.

I've heard conversations about me at Church.

Girl One: "Have you seen what she posts on her Facebook page?"
Girl Two: "No wonder she's single. No one wants to marry a feminist."

or

Girl One: "How come she got divorced anyway?"
Girl Two: "Apparently she was abused"
Girl One: "Wonder what she said to deserve that, haha"

or....

Person One: "That poor kid will never grow up right being raised by a single mum, it would have been better to adopt him out to a real couple."

Because real couples are the ideal in the Church. Not single mums. And when you do you absolute best, and love your boy with your whole heart... yeah; it really hurts.

Why I Marched

Never have I seen an election or inauguration in the United States fraught with so much tension and division. Trump is not who I would have liked to see win. But he did. I hope he does a good job as POTUS. This is not why I marched.

We could argue politics all day. Views on climate change, international relations, email scandals – the list is endless. This is not why I marched.

I marched because I was still in primary school when an older boy “grabbed me by the pussy”, and when I told a teacher she told me I shouldn’t have been wearing a skirt to school, I should wear shorts or pants instead.

I marched because I can get a good education and a fantastic job, but still only earn 84c for every dollar a man earns in this country.

I marched because I get catcalled on a regular basis due to the size of my breasts and this made me feel unsafe breastfeeding my own child anywhere outside of my own home.

I marched because it is still unsafe to walk home alone at night without fear of assault. Because women are assaulted, raped and left for dead on a daily basis. Because one in five women in NZ will experience domestic violence during their lifetime. Because if you’re an athlete you can rape a woman who is unconscious and only serve three months in prison. Because I want my son to grow up knowing that women are not objects to be grabbed. Because being feminine is somehow degrading and used as a slur: eg; you run like a girl, hit like a girl, cry like a girl. Because we’re told we have to pay GST on pads and tampons since they’re a luxury item – apparently having blood oozing down your leg is an acceptable option. Because I want the next generation of women to live in a safer, better and more equal world than the one I live in.

More than two million people marched around the globe, all sharing these fundamental views. We stood together in solidarity, vibrancy and diversity.The energy sparked by this movement has brought many women a sense of hope and togetherness. It was glorious, powerful, inspiring and uplifting. The election of Trump didn’t bring anything new into the arena. These problems were all there before. However it did clarify many of the challenges that women and other minorities are really up against. And this march proved that we are all up to the challenge.