AKA: Being doomed to listen to this mixtape daily even though I know it doesn't actually make any rational sense.
You’re not good enough.
You’re a bad friend.
You’re a waste of time.
Your friends do not love you.
You’re too needy.
You're way too intense.
People are sick of you being around.
What are you doing with yourself?
Why did you say that?
They probably hate you but are too polite to say.
Why can’t you have your shit together?
You’re going to get anxious and because you’re going to get anxious, you’re going to mess everything up.
You’re a fraud. Just good at faking it.
You’re letting everybody down.
No one here likes you.
Nobody wants you around.
All the while, it appears perfectly calm.
Social anxiety means you're always looking for the next outlet, something to channel the never-ending energy.
Writing.
List-making.
Mindless tasks (whatever keeps you busy).
Doing squats in the kitchen.
Studying until your eyes water and your mind feels like it will explode with something, anything other than the noise.
Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
The Particular Ache of Loneliness
It is very, very easy to get defensive about your kids. People can say what they want about me, and sure I'll defend myself or have a bit of a mope depending on the situation... but I get over it. But ask any mother, if someone says something about your kids or the way they are being raised, Mama Lion comes out. We protect our children with all that we have.
Unfortunately, it is a sad reality that much of Church culture does not make it easier. And society's expectations of sing;e, "independent" women only exacerbates the situation.
Let me explain.
After the Christchurch Earthquake, our beloved Marmite went out of production for a long time. Finally, when Benji was about a year old, it came back! I bought a great big jar and made Benji his very first Marmite sandwich. He took one bite of it, held it up in his fist, stood up and took his first steps. Best. Moment. Ever.
I couldn't tell his Dad what happened when he got home from work. I couldn't take a pic and message it to him. There was no one to share this with, other than making a post about it in the void of Facebook.
You learn to harden yourself against this. You learn to be selfish with the good things and keep them in your heart because who else is there to share it with?
But that doesn't mean that some nights when everything is quiet, I am not wracked with almost crippling loneliness.
Society teaches you this is weak. I should be a strong, independent woman who don't need no man. To admit this is to admit failure.
The Church teaches you this is weak. If I were truly faithful, I could rest assured that everything will be sorted in the next life. I'll find my eternal companion there. To admit this is to say I lack faith.
People mean well when they say "you don't need a man, you're so strong!" or "You'll find your companion in the next life!" But what they don't understand in their married or pre-married bliss is that they are condemning me to a good sixty years (hopefully) of life of not having that particular intimacy (not just sex) in my life that comes with having a husband/partner. No being held under a duvet when it's chilly, no sharing secrets, no lingering eye contact, no arguing over what to get for dinner, no kissing, no hand holding, no long hugs, and sure no sex. Because sex is damn fun, too.
And no telling someone that your boy took his first steps today.
I've heard conversations about me at Church.
Girl One: "Have you seen what she posts on her Facebook page?"
Girl Two: "No wonder she's single. No one wants to marry a feminist."
or
Girl One: "How come she got divorced anyway?"
Girl Two: "Apparently she was abused"
Girl One: "Wonder what she said to deserve that, haha"
or....
Person One: "That poor kid will never grow up right being raised by a single mum, it would have been better to adopt him out to a real couple."
Because real couples are the ideal in the Church. Not single mums. And when you do you absolute best, and love your boy with your whole heart... yeah; it really hurts.
Unfortunately, it is a sad reality that much of Church culture does not make it easier. And society's expectations of sing;e, "independent" women only exacerbates the situation.
Let me explain.
After the Christchurch Earthquake, our beloved Marmite went out of production for a long time. Finally, when Benji was about a year old, it came back! I bought a great big jar and made Benji his very first Marmite sandwich. He took one bite of it, held it up in his fist, stood up and took his first steps. Best. Moment. Ever.
I couldn't tell his Dad what happened when he got home from work. I couldn't take a pic and message it to him. There was no one to share this with, other than making a post about it in the void of Facebook.
You learn to harden yourself against this. You learn to be selfish with the good things and keep them in your heart because who else is there to share it with?
But that doesn't mean that some nights when everything is quiet, I am not wracked with almost crippling loneliness.
Society teaches you this is weak. I should be a strong, independent woman who don't need no man. To admit this is to admit failure.
The Church teaches you this is weak. If I were truly faithful, I could rest assured that everything will be sorted in the next life. I'll find my eternal companion there. To admit this is to say I lack faith.
People mean well when they say "you don't need a man, you're so strong!" or "You'll find your companion in the next life!" But what they don't understand in their married or pre-married bliss is that they are condemning me to a good sixty years (hopefully) of life of not having that particular intimacy (not just sex) in my life that comes with having a husband/partner. No being held under a duvet when it's chilly, no sharing secrets, no lingering eye contact, no arguing over what to get for dinner, no kissing, no hand holding, no long hugs, and sure no sex. Because sex is damn fun, too.
And no telling someone that your boy took his first steps today.
I've heard conversations about me at Church.
Girl One: "Have you seen what she posts on her Facebook page?"
Girl Two: "No wonder she's single. No one wants to marry a feminist."
or
Girl One: "How come she got divorced anyway?"
Girl Two: "Apparently she was abused"
Girl One: "Wonder what she said to deserve that, haha"
or....
Person One: "That poor kid will never grow up right being raised by a single mum, it would have been better to adopt him out to a real couple."
Because real couples are the ideal in the Church. Not single mums. And when you do you absolute best, and love your boy with your whole heart... yeah; it really hurts.
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