Missing in Action

I contemplated going to Church today. It probably would have been the 'right' thing to do from many perspectives. But as I lay in bed wondering what would be warm enough to wear, the reality of what it would be like today became a burden.

So many people would look at me with kind understanding and ask me how I am. They would tell me they have missed me and have been concerned. And that's fine - it comes from a place of love. It's my own response that weighed down on me. How could I explain that I have felt better not going to Church than I have in a long time?

I teach the Young Single Adult Sunday School class. I love them to bits. How do I explain this to them? How do I tell them that I haven't lost my testimony of anything that I know to be true, when my actions say otherwise? It's such a black and white culture. If I feel good going to Church, then it's the Holy Ghost telling me I am doing the right thing. But if I feel good staying home, then that's the adversary. I mean, I've pretty much said as much myself. I've warned them that the times we don't want to go to Church are the times we need it the most. All of I sudden do I think these things don't apply to me?

I know what they will be thinking. That's it a slippery slope to inactivity. That I'm losing my faith. That I'm in a dark place. How do I explain that it's actually none of the above without sounding like I'm just in denial? And why do I feel I need to explain to them anyway?

This is what told me I wasn't ready to go back to Church yet. I'm still worried about other people's opinions of me. Explaining myself to them concerned me more than taking the sacrament, fulfilling my calling or learning more about the Gospel. I need to become more whole in myself. I need to reach that place in myself, that bright little pilot light, that connects me with all that is Divine so I can see past people's opinions. I don't feel safe at Church anymore. I always have my guard up and those walls are stopping me from feeling connected spiritually.

It feels good to recognise that this is the thing that has been weighing me down for some time now. It feels good to have the beginning of a plan. And it feels good to not 'have' to go to Church. To know that the decision is mine alone and not influenced by the feeling of obligations or doubt. I'm freeing myself one small shackle at a time.